Sometimes you have a nerve that you don’t even realize is there until someone does something that pushes it… and then it’s too late, the damage is done and there’s nothing that can be said to make things okay again. You know that it’s unfair in a way, the person who pushed the button didn’t know about the past and how their words would cause you to flashback to that time and place. Maybe they wouldn’t have said what they did if they had known… but the reality is it shows that sometimes we find ourselves repeating past mistakes and unless we recognize them and move forward we can spend years in a cycle that we should have learned from the first time.
Right now some words are echoing in my head and I know I have to see the writing on the wall. I know how this story ends and it’s not good for anyone. When I read the words I didn’t hear the voice of the person who wrote them, I heard the voice of the person who said them (or words just like them) about 10 years ago. As hard as it is, I have to let this go… all the things I want to say (scream, whatever) don’t matter any more now than they did in the situation 10 years ago, and I said them all then. Eventually, I had to step back and hope that happiness would be found without me there to see it. I hope in the first instance that it has been and I hope in the second that it will be.
“Nothing I can do, that I have not done, no words I can say, no truth left that I can see, so must I let this end… let everything fall apart, before I live my life as I have always done…”
But then it goes on:
“Tell me what to do, so I do nothing wrong, something I can hope for something real that I can see… so nothing falls apart, so this does not end, I cannot return, I can’t start again.”
I used to look outside myself for the answers to the second part, waiting for someone to tell me what I could do to make everything okay again. No more. I hear it differently now, and I feel it differently too. I just hope I am right…
Quoted text from Rubicon by VNV Nation - kinda my theme song through all of this!
Niki
"Together we are what we can't be alone" - Dropkick Murphy's, a punk bank from Boston, Massachusetts, USA
"What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger" - Resilience, a hardcore punk band from Santa Rosa, California, USA
"As our ashes turn to dust, we shine like stars" - Gee, I wonder who said this